Integrity: My New Motive

There isn’t much I haven’t done to impress or please someone; I’ve paid for meals, baked cakes at 10pm for the next day, spoken to people I don’t like about other people I don’t like just to feel approved, or laughed at rude comments and jokes to not be singled out. Let’s face it, saying all this out loud sounds more than pathetic, it makes me question if I am being my authentic self.

Day-in-day-out I have torn hunks from myself to please and do what’s in my power to fit into the social ‘standards’, I’d run my self down thinking what I was doing was normal and expected of me,  and I’d reach out to the most unusual of people. My desire to be accepted overthrew my whole life, and I was trying to reach an idealistic situation, which was not realistic, in any sense of the word. 

Nights turned into days and everything merged into one big ball of… well, crap. I would be sat in my bed at 3pm, staring hopelessly into the faint shadows in my room, asking millions of questions, predominantly, what am I doing wrong? The answer only came to me last week and it was simple: I’m lacking integrity. 

It’s such a complicated word for such a simple concept; I lost my moral values and stopped being true to my self. I became so inclined in pleasing others and showing my self in a different light, which repelled me from my true life and self. Losing a sense of self is like being a dog without a lead; it’s manic, lacking in direction and most importantly, structure. I let peoples opinions run my life, and let myself spiral into a complete state of anxiety, with a churning stomach and a nervous talk being my daily norm. I lost all of my ethics and forgot all the things that I stand for, ultimately, turning into a crowd-pleasing clown.

After a long and exasperating year, to say the least, I can finally say I no longer care about what people think of me. I have come to understand that I don’t need to have a list of worries as full as a filing cabinet, nor do I need to respond to every ping of my phone like a maid. It’s natural that I will not be compatible with every human who walks this earth, it’s also okay for people to not like my writing, me or my manner. That’s just life. 

I am no longer going to live up to the hype created around us and do all of the outrageously stupid things that I don’t believe, in order to look better in someone’s eyes, because it’s only my eyes that count. It’s time to cut the loathing and live a little more carelessly; of course, I will never be able to completely not care, because I’m not living in a fog, but its time to stop acting on it, especially if it goes against my nature!

It’s time to concentrate on the solid and true friends, rather than wasting energy on maintaining the ones which will, or will not,  put me in a better social light, because it’s at the cost of these individuals that my well-being comes. Sacrificing these acidic connections is something I’m willing to do; I’d rather be living sweetly than feeling sour and down. I want to be the best version of me, I have come to a point on my road where I need to change direction, the destination may be different and unsettling at first, but boy I am ready to take the risk and reach that place.

17951812_783701581793557_5981042890326352086_nSpring 2017

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