Becoming Everything I Feared.​

Living with a negative mindset for a long time can seriously alter your perceptions and views; in my case, it was the way I looked at food and how I saw my self that was affected the most. I know that many of us can easily point out our so-called flaws, but if I asked you what you love about yourself, most people would hesitate with the answer and some remain hushed. These negative views are not uncommon in today’s society with many of us having several insecurities; insecurities that are driven by our own standards. Aren’t we too harsh?

In the past year, I have had to relearn self-love and believe me when I say it has been a tough lesson. I have gone from hating each inch of my body, to slowly accepting my flaws and finally being able to exhibit my true self, because the true self is the most beautiful self.

My journey with an eating disorder could be compared to a mountain hike; you may get lost, trip, graze your knees and bleed a little but you also may find your way back onto the track and make it in before the storm – the outcome simply depends on what you put in and how much you desire the prize. This, as you may have observed, is applicable to all new and unknown encounters. Life for many of us is tiering, exasperating even, and in many occasions, the easiest decision is just to give up because fighting is uncomfortable for our mind; it is in our nature to run from danger. If however, we challenge this custom and take our thoughts out of the comfort of the safe room, we will experience our true strength – gain control over our instincts.

So, you’re questioning the title of this blog, thinking how and why would anyone want to be everything they once hated and feared; like I said, its letting go of the rules and being free of the worries and expectations that has allowed me to gain the mindset that I possess today. A year ago, I feared carbs, I feared to see my legs wobble, I feared what others would think, I feared not being worthy enough, I feared defeat – all of these worries that I developed seem trivial to me today and not one of them crosses my mind. It has taken me over a year to realize that I am not defined by my looks or by what I put in my mouth but by ME, and who I really am. Today I feel empowered and full of love, both for my self and others; I have full dominance over my life and I don’t let a spiral of thoughts take that away, because that would be a loss. Admittedly, I wobble more, I eat bread, I don’t try to impress my peers, and with all of this, despite the length and struggle of the journey, I am full of content and so fortunate to have completed a multitude of miles in the correct direction.

We can all gain this state of complete empowerment if we let go of our past and not dwell on the future; we will be in the present, where only the moment you are in really matters. Like experiencing the thrilling feeling of lungs lacking in oxygen, cold air pricking your cheeks and the punch from the wind when on a rollercoaster, you will see that life can be exciting again, even once old customs have been released – or once they’ve released you. Humans like to be comfortable, we fear the unknown and therefore are, too often, stuck or reluctant to move; reluctant to take the first jump, not without wondering whether the water below is warm or not. But why would you want to know? Wouldn’t you prefer to be astounded by the discovery? 

Living in such a time-bound and fast-paced society, it is easy to be swept by the madness and to trip over the ongoing chaos; this seems to be becoming the norm. Today is the precise reason why we all need to remove our selves away from the routines of punishment that conclude in self-hate, and to show ourselves some compassion and forgiveness because everyone deserves to hug themselves on the inside every once in a while. Through becoming all that my mind once feared, I was able to finally be myself and to relinquish my insecurities, which are now my strengths. 

If, after reading this, you are still perplexed by the idea of breaking all your rules and reaching true happiness, then try it for one day, then another and then another; you will soon grasp what it is like to live on your terms.IMG_0529

2 thoughts on “Becoming Everything I Feared.​

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  1. Hi I think your blog is really inspirational and i think it has really helped people who have gone through tough times like you, i am going through the same sort of thing and it feels like I don’t have any relationships left with my family or friends anymore because of this whole thing do you have any advice or just what happened to you??x

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    1. Hi Ella, i completly understand your current position, an eating disorder has the power to take priority in your life causing you to unconciously push away all of the ones that are dear to you. I suffered from the same consequences, I shut my self out from family and friends, missed out on meeting and going out, and lost my boyfriend, but what helped me was the thought of why i was doing all of that. ​I came to realize that​ i was only making my sel​f more and more unhappy and that, despite how difficult it would be, ​i had to work to rebuil​​d all of my relationships.
      Begin with simple ​things like watching a film with your family once a week, going on a walk together, making an effort with your friends to create conversation in order to dim the intrusive food thoughts, and most importantly notice everytime​ you have a thought regarding food. If these thoughts create fear and isolation then observe them and watch them leave you again, take the risk and have a laugh with your friends; i can assure you that once you see just how much you have been missing, the relationships will begin to untangle themselves.
      It’s ​not going to be easy, but it will be worth it. The only way you can enjoy life again ​is if you work at it, you are no longer passive, you are a fighter, a worrier. Make the effort to sit with your family, talk to your friends, challange​ your self to go out and fight the voice!

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